Q: How can we keep our three-year-old daughter from hurting our 10-month-old? Ever since the baby started crawling, she has been extremely rough with him. No matter how many times we show her how to be gentle with him, she manages to hurt him. The usual scenario begins with her picking him up to “love” him. Then she begins squeezing too hard or pinching his cheek, and he begins crying. When we reprimand her, she always says she’s sorry and acts contrite. We’re baffled.
A: This situation is not unusual when the space between the two children is less than three years. At the time your son was born, your daughter was not ready to give up the status of “baby.” Neither did she have to compete with anyone for your attention for the first two and a half years of her life. A child can get used to that kind of privilege in a hurry!
When her brother was born, your daughter probably thought he was interesting and cute. In his helplessness, he posed no threat. Then he began getting about on his own, and she realized he wasn’t so helpless after all. At this point, feeling some resentment, she began protecting her status in the family. In the process, she started hurting him.
Your daughter is obviously in conflict. On the one hand, she has loving feelings for her brother and wants to be close to him. On the other hand, when she gets close, her anxiety and frustration get in the way of her affection, and she winds up squeezing instead of hugging. I doubt she really intends to hurt him. Her conflicting feelings just get in the way of her ability to be gentle.
Your priority, of course, is to protect the baby but without making your daughter feel she’s being bad. The approach I recommend is to place the baby completely off-limits for one or two weeks. Tell your daughter she can’t so much as touch her brother for a while. During the moratorium, you’ll teach her to be gentle.
You might ask how she will learn to be gentle if she can’t go near him. The answer is that when a privilege is withheld, it begins to look increasingly attractive. But to enjoy the privilege, she must learn the art of gentleness, which you will teach her. During this training period, have your daughter help as much as possible with the baby by getting you things and doing things for you while you’re occupied with him. But do not let her be near him for at least a week.
When you feel she’s ready, gradually begin allowing your daughter brief moments of contact with the baby, which you carefully supervise so things don’t get out of hand. Let her give him a spoonful of cereal or hold him on her lap for a minute. Guide her through several such exercises on the first day, and increase the number of times she can have contact with her brother on succeeding days. During this time, praise her for being so helpful.
Don’t be alarmed if things go well for several days and then another “incident” occurs. This is likely to be a one-step-forward, two-steps-backward process for several weeks. Eventually, however, this strategy will prevail!
Family psychologist John Rosemond: rosemond.com, parentguru.com.
