Q: Our 14-year-old son has been hanging around with a friend who is constantly getting himself into trouble. Recently, this kid and my son were out using their paintball guns, and the friend shot both a teacher’s car and the school, leaving a paint mark on the car and on the school’s bricks. Both kids were punished at school and our son was punished at home. The friend, on the other hand, never seems to get punished at home for anything he does. We also took our son’s paintball gun away, forever. He had been warned that if trouble developed, that would happen, no matter who initiated the incident. We are not allowing him to go to this friend’s house anymore because of the lack of supervision there. I just can’t believe my son still wants to hang around this kid, but he does. Should I prohibit the relationship altogether?
A: I wouldn’t. Prohibited, the relationship is likely to go “underground,” which you don’t want. You want it to be out in the light, where you can see it and exert some degree of influence over it. The trick is to get your son to end the relationship on his own, or, if not end it, at least take control of it so it doesn’t lead him into future trouble of a more serious nature. To accomplish this, I recommend that you take a page from Don Corleone's playbook and make your son an offer he can’t refuse. If I were you, I’d put the following agreement in writing:
As of this date, it is acknowledged by all parties that whereas (the friend’s name) is obviously a bad influence on (your son’s name), and (your son) does not seem to be able to resist said influence, but rather ends up going along with all manner of (the friend’s) stupid, destructive, and antisocial ideas and behavior, let it be known that (your son) is completely free to continue the association, but with the following simple understanding:
Upon the occurrence of the next inappropriate (as deemed by parents) incident involving (your son) and (the friend), (your son’s) driver’s license will be put off for one year. Upon the occurrence of a second inappropriate incident, (your son’s) driver’s license will be put off for two years. Upon the occurrence of a third incident, said driver’s license will be put off for three years. (Your son) is hereby encouraged to associate with (the friend) as much as possible, because (your son’s) parents will sleep much more easily at night knowing that he is not behind the wheel of a car.
Create two copies of this document, and have your son sign both of them, which will be an acknowledgment that he has been so informed. Give him one copy to frame for posterity. If he retains any semblance of right thinking—as I’m sure he does—that ought to solve the problem. He may not stop associating with the friend, mind you, but he will certainly begin to exert as much positive influence on him as possible. Who knows? Under your son’s nervous tutelage, the kid may turn out all right after all.
