I walked into my new boss’s office. For several years I’d been trying to manage a full-time job on part-time hours, complete my master’s degree, support my husband in his career, and run a busy home occupied by three children. Last month a friend died tragically and unexpectedly, and this past week several major work and family crises were bouncing off each other. My sleep had been seriously eroded, and the balance between my work and my life was so lopsided it had broken the scales.
I only meant to ask my boss if he could reassign my load, find someone to help me, or let me reclaim some overtime and have a break for a couple of weeks. But my intense tiredness, my sense of hopelessness about the whole situation, and the trauma of the past few days overwhelmed me. As soon as I began to talk, I felt the aching pressure of a million unshed tears in my head. I tried to contain the sadness inside, so instead of crying, all the pain tumbled out of me in a chaotic and angry heap that ended up piled on my hapless boss’s desk.
As you can imagine, the outburst didn’t help me or my cause at all. On a scale of one to ten, with ten representing beautiful moments I’d like to treasure, I would consider that this event scored around minus seven. Although I can’t hit the rewind button on this particular episode, after a good night’s sleep and in the refreshing light of a new dawn, I got to thinking about what had happened and what might have been a better approach. And I learned some things about myself from this reflection that, if containing anger is a problem for you, might help you take better control.
1. Dig around the roots
One of the secrets to managing anger is to dig around in your mind and uncover its real cause. Underneath anger there’s usually another strong emotion hiding. It might be disappointment because of a hope that’s been shattered, preventing you from reaching your goals; sadness because you’ve lost something important to you; or frustration when you feel pressured or stressed and find it hard to express yourself. Or maybe you were very afraid or embarrassed. It’s easy to flip into anger so fast that you don’t give yourself time to think what that root feeling might be, so it’s important to slow down and ask yourself what’s really going on in your head.
Keep in mind, however, that anger isn’t all bad. Some of my anger was focused on protecting myself from experiencing any more unmanageable stress. Anger can also protect us from harm and danger by giving us the energy to stand and fight, run away, or rescue someone else from harm, particularly if we see injustice. Anger only becomes dangerous when it hurts us and the people around us.
Identifying the root emotion that flipped the “anger switch” can help you to work out a better solution. If I’d taken the time to deal with my own sadness and tiredness, I could have simply told my boss, “My mind and body are trying to tell me that I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I wonder if I could have some help with my job or some time off from work for a week.” It would have been simpler, and it would have set the stage for a better, more professional working relationship.
2. Take a break
Emotions such as anger can get out of control and develop into actual behavior before we realize what’s happening. As I felt the level of my anger rise, it would have been good for me to slow down, visit the water cooler, and take a few moments to reflect. The count-to-ten approach might have helped, but even then it would only have delayed my anger storm if I hadn’t used the time to think carefully about what was happening and planned a more constructive conversation.
When you calm down and think, ask yourself what you could do differently to make the situation better. Think about each person in the conflict and his or her needs, hopes, and goals. When I felt the anger rising in my body, I could have said to my boss, “Actually, right now I think my feelings are too strong to discuss this appropriately. I need to take a break to think some more; I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” I could have gone for a walk or cleaned the house to release some adrenaline, and then jotted down some useful thoughts on a piece of paper. This would have given me a script to follow the next time we talked.
3. Alter your perspective
Find another way to look at the situation that’s making you feel angry. Ask yourself whether it will really matter in a month’s time. Is the issue worth risking serious damage to your relationship? Is there a way to think of this event as helpful so it doesn’t prevent you from reaching your goals? For example (and I concede that this can be difficult for some people), instead of seeing the slow driver in front of me as making me late, I try to think of him or her as protecting me from getting a speeding ticket or preventing me from having an accident.
4. Transform complaints into requests
Instead of nagging and complaining, turn your hopes into a clear request for help. Try saying something like: “In this specific situation ___, when ___ happens, I feel ___, and it would really help me if you could ___ so that I can help you by ____ . . .” You might say, for example, “When I find your muddy football clothes on the bedroom floor, I feel frustrated and disrespected. It would really help me if you could put those dirty clothes in the clothes hamper after a game so that I can wash them in time for your next game.”
The secret here is to state your request in a way that the other person can feel good about helping you instead of feeling blamed.
5. Ask more questions
Have you ever felt tempted to say, “You always . . .”; “You never . . .”; “It’s all your fault”? When people hear these words, they feel misunderstood, judged, or belittled, and they’re more likely to rush to their defense by retaliating with a counterattack of justification and faultfinding in you.
Instead of blaming and judging others, ask for more information: “Tell me what this means to you.” “Why do you like to do it this way?” “Why do you feel so strongly about this?” Or, “I seem to be making this situation worse. Please, let me know how I can make things easier for you.” Or you might say, “It sounds as though you’re really upset [angry, frustrated, stressed] about what I’ve said. I’m really sorry. How can I be more helpful [considerate, thoughtful, sensitive] next time?”
6. Share the problem
Rather than thinking of a problem as all your fault or all the other person’s fault, think of the challenge as something you share. “It’s important that we sort this out. If we do it well, then [mention something positive] might happen. I’m wondering how we can put our heads together and find the best solution.”
Using the word we rather than you makes you equally responsible and suggests that you want to work alongside the other person in a supportive way. Inviting them to first share their thoughts shows respect. Then you can share your concerns and ideas, and you can search for a way forward together that includes your combined creative thinking.
7. Agree on something
I used to wonder why some people were described as disagreeable. And then I met a person who disagreed with almost everything I said, even when I agreed with them! I went from calm to frustrated to angry in about three minutes! When people disagree with us, our anxiety levels can escalate to overwhelming proportions. Look for the points in the conversation where you can agree and focus on them. “I really like your ideas about ___. Tell me how you came up with them.”
8. Be appreciative
Appreciation helps to lower everyone’s anxiety level and soothes a conversation like a warm oil massage on a sore back. We’re more likely to feel positive toward people who are positive toward us. Try to find at least one thing you can genuinely appreciate about the other person when you sense a conflict approaching. For example, I could have said to my boss, “By the way, I really appreciated the way you supported my new project in the recent board meeting.”
9. Be kind
When other people are thoughtless and hurtful, we can end up feeling even more frustrated, sad, disappointed, and discouraged. Sometimes we fight back or become defensive to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. This can end up with both parties attacking each other in ways both will later regret.
A friend of mine has a key ring that says, “Be kind to everyone you meet, because you don’t know what kind of day they’re having.” The clumsy person is waiting for surgery on her hand and needs your patience. The man shouting at you for taking the last packet of cornflakes that’s on sale has just lost his job and is afraid he won’t be able to support his family. If I’d told my boss what I’d been going through during the previous month, he likely would have understood my stressed situation and been sympathetic and more willing to compromise. Or I could have made him a hot drink after our meeting to show that I cared about his stress levels too!
10. Apologize
Anger can damage and destroy any relationship. When your anger has made a mess, try to tidy it up and sort things out as soon as you can. A simple apology and a thoughtful gift can go a long way toward repairing damage, especially when other people can see that you are genuinely interested in working on your anger in the future.
Anger is a normal emotion, a gift that God has given us so that we can protect ourselves and others from abuse. We wouldn’t want to be without it. But it’s also very powerful and can easily slip out of our control. So my final suggestion is that you ask God to help you recognize your anger and deal with it appropriately.
