Q:Our 14-year-old is going into the ninth grade at a public high school, and he has taken up with a bunch of kids that we don’t exactly approve of. They have reputations as troublemakers, and at least one of them has already been arrested for shoplifting and had to do some community service. The irony is that they all come from families who are highly regarded in the community. We haven’t seen any dramatic change in our son’s behavior, but he has become more secretive and has told us he doesn’t want to play sports anymore. In the opinion of lots of parents, the kids in question are under-supervised. Naturally, we’re concerned about the potential bad influence. I want to tell him to find new friends, but my husband wants to take a wait-and-see approach. What do you think we should do?
A:I don’t mind taking sides in this: I agree with your husband. It’s completely normal for kids your son’s age to be flexing their independence—it’s all part of preparing for emancipation, which you should be preparing for as well. In the process of establishing emotional distance from parents and family, a certain amount of “secretiveness” is to be expected, no matter the nature of the child’s peer group. In and of itself, that’s neither a bad nor a good thing. It’s just the way it is.
Boys are naturally inclined toward risk taking. If they aren’t provided sufficient opportunities to take risks in relatively safe contexts—wilderness-camping experiences, for example—they’re more likely to gravitate toward peers and activities that are inappropriate or truly dangerous. I witnessed this as a teen and saw the potential for it in my son when he entered adolescence.
The young teen boy (and girl) is in danger of making supremely impulsive decisions. His parents, on the other hand, are in danger of reacting in ways that cause him to become more secretive and perhaps even rebellious. Your husband understands this, I’m sure, which is why he doesn’t want to make matters worse by “clamping down” without a good, concrete reason. Something as subjective as having “a bad feeling about those kids” just doesn’t qualify.
I strongly encourage you to trust your husband’s judgment. Partly because moms don’t have an intimate understanding of boy-ness, they tend toward overprotection, even overreaction, in situations like this. Unless there’s more here than is reflected in your question, I feel confident in saying that your husband will intuitively know when and how to intervene if it becomes warranted.
In the meantime, this is an ideal time of year to enroll your son in some activities, such as the wilderness camping experience I mentioned above, that would satisfy your son’s need for risk taking while providing adequate supervision and guidance. Dad can certainly jump in there by planning summer father-son getaways that involve hiking, camping, fishing, hunting, horseback riding, dirt-biking, or other outdoor activities.
Regarding your son’s choice of friends, he’s bound to expand his social sphere when he enters high school in the fall. His present choice of buddies may turn out to be nothing more than a fling. For now, just keep your eyes open and be ready to step in and establish controls should it look like he’s about to lose all semblance of common sense.
Remember that the energy you expend worrying will be energy you won’t have when you most need it.
Family psychologist John Rosemond is the director of the Center for Affirmative Parenting in Gastonia, North Carolina. For information about his talks and workshops, contact Tracy Owens-Jahn at tracyjahn@sbcglobal.net or (817) 295-1751.
