Q: My husband and I have five kids, ages 11, 10, 7, 5, and 22 months. I’d love to keep activities to a minimum so the kids could have more time to be kids, but I’m finding that to be difficult. The two oldest are boys, and both are active in outdoor clubs as well as music lessons. The girls, ages 7 and 5, are both involved in one dance class each, and the 7-year-old will start piano lessons in the fall, along with an adventure club once a month and a church group that meets twice a month. They all attend a charter school, which does not have a bus and is 20 minutes from our house, so I’m constantly dragging the baby in the car to and from school and activities. Individually, I don’t think any one child has an excess of activities, but collectively it’s overwhelming. It’s a rare day when we aren’t running to something. I want them to have opportunities to learn new skills, but it’s coming at a high cost. What do you recommend?
A: If I may be so bold, I think you’ve lost your perspective on what’s truly important. You’re thinking in terms of one child at a time without considering the impact all this running around is having on your family as a whole. There certainly are times when the needs of a certain family member trump all other considerations, as when someone becomes dangerously ill, but these situations need to be the exception, not the rule.
It isn’t good for you to be so consumed by the kids’ activities that you have no time for yourself. It isn’t good for your marriage that you’re probably in a state of near-constant exhaustion by the end of the day. It isn’t good for your toddler to be dragged around so much. It isn’t even good for your older children to be the focus of so much parental energy. They’re learning that what they want to do they deserve to do, and that attitude is not conducive to their learning give-and-take in relationships.
Your family is slowly fading into nonexistence. You have Susie time and Billy time and so on, but you have no truly family time, which is the most important time of all. I suggest that you cancel most of these activities and use the time you gain to go on picnics, take trips to museums, and the like.
Begin your family’s rehabilitation by sitting down with the kids—both you and your husband should be present—and state the facts: their activities have become too much. You need to take a permanent breather from being a chauffeur. You need to have some time for yourself, and you and your husband need time for just the two of you.
Then set a limit. For example, you’ll drive a maximum of four hours a week, including wait time—which is one hour for each child. Then have them help you work out what stays and what goes. There’s bound to be some complaining, so you’ll probably have to make the final decisions. Keep in mind that none of these activities are going to make much difference when your children are adults, but putting your family first now may help them do the same when they have children.
